The next time...

It’s odd, I find myself in this weird purgatory of relationship land. I’ve been single, after about eight years of being in a single relationship, for about eight months. I thought originally that I would remain single for a few months, then be ready to date again. Unfortunately, I think the heart takes longer to heal than I originally thought. Of course, this depends on the type of person that you are. I find myself still missing her, and it’s not easy for me to say that at all. It’s even more difficult to write about it in an open manner like this, but I think that it’s good for me to express these thoughts. I shouldn’t miss her, I keep telling myself. Eight months is a long time to get used to the idea of not having someone in your life. I have wondered quite a bit if it was my loneliness that was driving that feeling, missing waking up next to someone that you want to spend time with, the meals out, the closeness and ability to confide in another person without reservation. I’ve tried to date, and discovered that I am still too messed up emotionally to pull it off. There’s parts of me that are ready, without any doubt at all, but the core, my “rendering engine” so to speak, is just still too confused. Unfortunately, the end result is a person with this hint of constant sadness, at least internally. I bought a shirt last week that has the slogan “I believe the next time I fall in love it will be forever,” and god do I want to believe that, really I do.